I’m averaging about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night. I’m just really uncomfortable! Already! I think six hours is more ideal for me, but I guess this restlessness will help prepare me for the sleepless nights to come.
Today something odd happened. I walked into the bathroom and as I turned to face the mirror a bottle of body spray on the sink was rocking as if it had just nearly tipped over. I looked at Mina, who was curled up in the bath tub, and upon realizing she wasn’t responsible for the movement I tried my best to recreate the rocking motion of the bottle by bumping the sink, jumping up and down, and finally just poking it with my finger. No luck.
The bottle is nearly full, as you can see above, and not at all unstable so I was very perplexed. I wish it would happen again. Then maybe I could view it as an extraordinary occurrence but for now it’s just one of those odd things that happens in this terribly odd house. This house is fussy and old.
Tristan is driving me bonkers. He has suddenly decided that he doesn’t want to eat. I know, I know, toddlers go through these phases and it’s a normal control-driven issue that will resolve itself, but it kills me worrying that he might not be getting the nutrients he needs. It’s my food issues again. Every source I’ve scoured has assured me that he’ll eat when he’s hungry but I don’t necessarily agree. Tristan almost never expresses to me that he wants food. He’ll bring his cup to me quite often and ask for juice, but food? Not interested.
It reminds me of me. I adore good food, but if I’m just hanging out and doing my thing it’s not unusual for me to forget to eat altogether. Unless, like now, I’m pregnant and then all I’m thinking all day is “Did I eat enough? I need more! MORE! Baby needs nutrients!”
Anyway… Phase. It’ll pass. Eventually. I’ll just have bald patches from pulling out my hair. That’s cool. I can live with that.
And here’s why I wont be completely bald:
Pictures don’t do him justice. He’s so freakin’ beautiful it just blows me away. And it’s moments like that, when he’s peaceful and sleeping like an angel, or when his glowing smile is lighting up the whole room, that keep me strong when things get rough. Like tonight when I began to panic because I felt like the room was closing in on me and I just wanted to curl up somewhere alone. ALONE.
Oh Tristan. Deep breath, deep breath, it’s totally ok that I don’t want you crawling all over me right at this moment, it’s normal that I just want a few minutes to myself, it’s perfectly acceptable that I’m choking on a scream because I can’t have these things since it’s just you and me, kid! I have to keep reminding myself that my feelings are absolutely reasonable so that the guilt doesn’t set in. I refuse to wallow in guilt because, piss and shit, I do my best! Meh, I think lack of sleep is making me edgy. I need more goofy Tristan moments. And, hell, a night on the town without the most amazing little guy I know.
Eventually.
Always eventually.
