A Common Anomaly

In about 3 months our lives will change forever. By “our” I mean Tristan and I, obviously.

Change. I know things will change, but how will things change? I can only imagine. When I was pregnant with Tristan I had all kinds of ideas about how my life would be different but the reality was so much more life-altering than anything I could have dreamed of.

When I thought of having another baby I imagined, with some relief, taking this intense and consuming mass of motherly love and dividing it neatly in two. Two pieces that are intense and consuming in their own way but much more manageable when separate. I’m starting to realize that will not be the case. Already I adore my little Remi, who is squirming away with much energy in my belly, and yet the love and worry and frustration I feel for Tristan has not calmed down at all. It has not divided in two. And then Remiel will come!

It’s mathematically frightening.

Of course, I’m only thinking of myself here, of all the extra worry and frustration I’ll feel, but what about Tristan? It’s been me and Tristan against the world, struggling and thriving and loving each other to bits and pieces. Will it break his heart to see me lavishing love and attention on someone else? Will there come a day when he accuses me of loving his brother more?

I’d like to think that after some practice I’ll learn how divide my attention equally so that both my boys feel loved and special. I’d like to think that Tristan and Remi will love each other and stand up for each other and not feel too much of a need to compete for my attention.

I’d like to think… A lot of things. I’ll just have to wait and see what the reality looks like.

Kostya came on Thursday. Yep, you guessed it, I’m already ready for him to leave. I feel kind of bad for him. And then I don’t. They say that if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all. Screw that. And anyway, I don’t say anything about him on this blog that I don’t say right to his face. You see, Kostya is one of those types who is constantly in need of a reality check. I”ll leave the babying to his clingy mother.

The fact is, I only feel bad about his situation because I think Tristan deserves better. I get that Kostya has had a rough time of it but, shit, so have I. The difference is that once I became a parent I stopped wallowing in the mess I had made and starting tidying things up. Ah well, as I’ve said before I’m not going to let it be my problem any more.

Last night my booger got sick. He was fussing over his dinner and when he started crying Kostya picked him up and tried to comfort him. About five seconds after I said “Oh, he looks like he’s about to puke.” poor Tristan threw up all over Kostya, himself, and the floor. I have to give Kostya credit for handling the screaming pukiness so well. He didn’t have a shirt on and vomit was completely coating his left shoulder and oozing down his back but he didn’t even acknowledge it. Don’t I paint a pretty picture?

I have a harder time dealing with ickiness like poop and vomit, especially when it’s in contact with my freakishly sensitive skin, though that kind of thing is pretty much par for the course now.

Anyway, Tristan had a little bit of a fever this morning but after I gave him some Advil it dropped back down and he suddenly started bouncing off walls. He climbed up into my lap while I was checking my email and cheerfully tapped away on the keypad. Then he grabbed one of my little earbuds and stuck it in his ear, looking at me expectantly when he heard no music. So, on came the music and we rocked out and browsed the internet together for a while. Since Kostya has been here Tristan has been hanging on me more which, I must admit, feels very satisfying. I know he’s just a little shy and is coming to me for reassurance, but it feels good because occasionally I need to be reassured too.

Kostya is very doting but I think Tristan appreciates, in his way, the stability and feeling of safety that comes with my more firm character. Although, I think my biggest flaw is that I need to relax more, be more laid back. I struggle with it often but, hey, this parenting stuff is a learning process.

Tristan’s fever keeps going up and down and he keeps going from zombie to rocket so I think I’ll be making him an appointment with his doctor tomorrow if his fever isn’t gone when he wakes up. BLAH, doctors…

Remiel is hyperactive. I don’t know if the little guy ever sleeps. It’s really amazing how much he kicks around in there! And I have to say, even if I had a hundred babies I would never get used to the sensation of a baby moving around inside me, although I definitely appreciate it more this time around. Every little kick reminds me that he is alive and well and, since this is more than likely my last pregnancy, I’m really cherishing these breathtaking moments.

The hormones keep sending my moods all over the place, but at some point every day I just crack a great big smile and say “I’m so happy I’m having a boy!”

Oh, WOW, this little boy is kicking my butt!

On the same day I had the ultrasound and bought my rifle I also got Tristan his “big boy bed”. The portable crib he’d been sleeping in had a little mechanical malfunction when I tried to collapse it and since I’d been toying with the idea of a toddler bed for a while I decided to just go for it!

The first couple of nights (and naps) ended with Tristan sleeping on the floor. He didn’t fall out of bed, every little thing wakes me up lately so I would have heard and felt the thump, but just decided that he wasn’t comfortable sleeping in this new contraption. I went in to check on him frequently and just hoisted his sleepy butt back into bed, and quickly enough he adjusted.

The first morning I found him snug in his bed after a quiet night I was ecstatic! He’s growing up! He’s turning into a big boy! And it’s a good thing, too, because soon enough my little boy is going to be a big brother. Holy crap, that thought gives me warm fuzzies!

My biggest worry about the toddler bed was that he’d be able to get up and might make mischief while I’m oblivious in the next room. That hasn’t been a problem. When I put him in bed for the night and turn off the light he stays in bed. Nap times are a little more tricky since the room is filled with sunshine and sometimes he finds it harder to stay put. Luckily I’ve become quite adept at recognizing the telltale thump of his little feet hitting the floor and I’m in the room in a flash to insist that he take his nap. I think it’ll help if I get some thick curtains to block out the light at nap time.

I’ve really noticed lately, and find it amusing, that I’ve become so good at interpreting the vibrations his movements make in this house. I can very accurately guess what he’s doing no matter what room I’m in. That bump meant he just plopped in his chair to watch TV. That vibrating patter was him running to the dining room. That thud? Definitely the sound of him flipping over his activity table, which he LOVES to do. And THAT silence? Oh, he’s up to something!

I ordered a cute bedding set and I can’t wait for it to get here, even though Tristan doesn’t really care what kind of sheets he sleeps on. I’ve also been looking for some kind of neat night light for his room. I have the Cloud B Twilight Turtle and I love the pretty stars it makes on his ceiling but I want something that doesn’t automatically turn off after a set time, and something that I can plug into the wall so I don’t have to keep buying batteries. I don’t want your little run of the mill plug it into the outlet type light either because he’ll just pull that out and I want to be able to put his light up on his bookshelf so he can’t get to it. I’ve got a couple of cool ideas but I’ve got to save up.

How am I doing, you so kindly ask? I’ve never been so tired in my life. I feel anemic. I’ll have to have my doctor check my iron at my next appointment because this freaking sucks. Remi (OMG, MY BOY!) has been kicking away, though not as much as before so of course I’m freaked out about that. Even though I’ve read that fetal activity is usually irregular at this point. Try to stop me from worrying, I dare you!

Happy. Tired as hell, but happy.

I’ve been going back and forth in my head about what I would prefer the sex of the baby to be. I kept finding myself saying that I hope it’s a boy. But then I’d see cute pink baby shoes and frilly flower dresses and I’d hope for a girl. Mostly I thought about how cool it would be if Tristan had a little brother. But then again, it would be nice if I had a girl because then I’d have one of each.

I went for the ultrasound yesterday, and my father and sister Angel came with me. My father was loud and made inappropriate comments, and even talked on his cell a little, but I expect that kind of thing from him. The ultrasound technician, to my pleasure, mostly just ignored him. She did her thing, checking the heart, taking measurements, and then after a little chasing she told me what I already knew.

Family, friends, meet Remiel Sebastian Adams!

I KNEW IT!  I knew it. I’ve been calling the baby “he” in conversations. Usually you say you think you’re having a girl when you really want a boy, and vice versa, so as not to jinx yourself, but I knew. My dad, who has 4 grandsons already, really wanted it to be a girl. I think a lot of the family feels the same. They’ll just have to wait until Carissa gets knocked up because I’VE GOT MY BOYS!

I’m over the moon! Yeah, I’m sure I’ll still sigh whenever I see frilly pink baby clothes but I’m so deeply happy right now. I can’t wait to meet my little Remi. I wonder if he’ll have blue eyes like his father or dark eyes like Tristan. I can’t even begin to picture what he’ll look like. Tristan is simply gorgeous and I’m sure Remi will be a handsome little devil too.

Holy crap I’m excited!

I haven’t forgotten about the near break-in. After the ultrasound I went out and bought a rifle, which I will now have to learn to shoot. I’ll be taking other security measures, too. I have to say, I’m not sorry this happened. It has pushed me to consider safety by reminding me that shit happens, and now I’ll be far more prepared for any future incidents.

No one wants to think about these things, but they should. I’ve got my family to protect and there’s no knight in shining armor to do it for me.

I’d like to end on a cheerful note, though. I’M HAVING A BOY!